Director Jon Porty’s resume is less then reassuring, having manned the helm of four non-horror/sci fi films (one of which being a made for TV video-film about the Unabomber). STAR PORTAL is his only real directorial foray into sci-fi. In his defense, he did write the script for THE GUYVER. (And with that being said, the defense rests.)

STAR PORTAL tells the story of Quad-rena, an alien who crash lands on earth, possesses the body of a sexy earthling, and can shoot lasers from her eyes. (Presumably this isn’t a talent the sexy earthling had pre-alien possession.) Quad-rena must satisfy an insatiable lust for blood, call her fellow space aliens to rescue her (and then kill them so they won’t blow up the earth?!), and in the middle of it all discover the value of human emotions and the warmth of true love. Sounds awesome, huh?

The first big problem with the movie is that Quad-rena is an idiot. She talks like she’s been hit in the head a couple times. But it’s not that she just dumb. Compounding the problem is that she’s sexy. And sexual. But not in an intelligent, empowering way. She just sorta dumb-fucks her way through the movie. Her doctor eventually emerges as the romantic hero. But the jarring thing about this is that anybody who knows she’s not an alien would believe that she’s in need of some serious psychiatric help. Instead of  having the poor space creature submit to a psychological evaluation, the good doctor, in an act of incredible medical integrity, dumb-fucks her.

The second big problem is that there’s no real reason to like her. Unless you consider the fact that she’s stupid and sexy a good reason. She’s killing people and drinking their blood. I guess you’re not supposed to feel sorry for her victims. You’re supposed to feel sorry for her for not knowing that if you lock a human up in the basement and let it eat spiders and drink its own urine it will continue to give you blood for at least another couple weeks. Despite her blood crazed murder of innocents, you get the feeling the creative minds behind this story really want you to have compassion for this murderous ingénue. Ya know, because she’s stupid and sexy.

Throughout the movie there are various flashbacks to her host’s life, but they never develop into anything plot related. In the end they just seem like filler. By a stretch of the imagination they could help to explain why she can speak English and understand the subtleties of such human cultural institutions as psychic consultations. But the knowledge she inherits from her host can only be considered spotty at best, since from beginning to end Quad-rena is a frustratingly moronic dimwit. You have even less reason to like her when you realize that she’s basically consigned the psyche of her host to the cosmic dump heap.

But the absolute worst part of the whole movie is that when she calls the mother ship she speaks in rhymed couplets. It’s like having the phone operator read you the lyric sheet from a Flock of Seagulls record.

“The stones of time make up the galaxies

Mass and gravity are mere fallacies

What draws starlight from there to here

Is love’s desire to be near.”

I really don’t know why it was called STAR PORTAL. The star portal itself doesn’t play much of a part in the movie. I’m not really even sure there is a star portal. Maybe they wanted to cash in on the popularity of STAR GATE which had come out a few years earlier. Anyway, this movie was better when it was called LIFEFORCE. At least in that movie the sexy naked chick is tough as shit and turns into Patrick Stewart.

1. Dracula vs Frankenstein Shoes

Ok, so these are a little cutesy. A lot cutesy. But guys! Dracula! On your shoes! With his pal Frankenstein! Kind of sweet, no? And yet, somehow all I can think of is that bit from Ed Wood, “Karloff…? Sidekick…? FUCK YOU.” Perhaps it’s best that Bela didn’t live to see these shoes.

2. Zombie Rabbits Limited Edition Print

Bunnies + zombies. Everyone wins.

3. First Born Creeps Candlesticks

I love these little guys. Can you imagine a small army of them marching, slithering, or stuttering their way across your Thanksgiving table? Me too.

4. Cthulhu Necklace

Beautiful. There’s nothing that makes it more Cthulhu than octopus, but beautiful nonetheless. (And anyway, we all know that octopi are scarily smart and eerily prescient, right? So, still horror-related?)

5. Ted Box Art Print

I’ve had this artist’s robot box art prints bookmarked in my “wishlist” folder for over a year now. They’re two parts retro-futurism and one part affectionate nostalgia. A perfect mix.