Odds of being the final girl increase with squinting.

Harper’s Island, CBS’s high-concept, imagination-free slasher series premiered tonight.  Now, I don’t mind dumb slashers, but this show was a chore.  After 40 minutes of tedious backstory and bland melodrama, the show managed to squeeze in a measly 2 minutes of cat scares and 30 seconds of actual slashing.  All of this was without any of the gore, nudity or swear words that make real slashers fun.

Maybe things will pick up after the premiere, but Harper’s seems content to follow the Heroes model of constant cliffhangers and abundant schlock.  Luckily, we’ve been promised the show will end after 13 episodes.