Netflix is great, but it does have its problems.  There’s the sometimes sheepish recommendations and the murky process known as throttling.  The worst, however, is searching for a movie that’s unavailable.

I’ve racked up a considerable “saved” queue since I began my membership last summer.  The following list is a mere sample of those unavailable titles that I’m itching to see.  Some of these might just be missing from my local distribution center, while I’m sure others are either out of print or never were in print.  Here’s hoping they make the jump to “very long wait” soon.

Cronos

im in ur mooveez. direktin ur hobits.

I want to write an article called “Guillermo del Toro: Hack or Genius?” but I figure I need to see this (Del Toro’s first feature length film) first.  I never know what to expect with this guy, and Cronos is no exception.  It’s about alchemy and vampires and stuff, so it might be in the vein of Devil’s Backbone and Pan’s Labyrinth, but it also has Ron Perlman and… well, vampires and stuff, so it might be closer to Hellboy and Blade II. At any rate, I’d like to see this before The Hobbit comes out.

Sleuth

It’s a mystery movie that pits Laurence Olivier against Michael Caine.  It’s also recommended by my dad.  Now, other people’s dads might just tell them to see Animal House or Stripes, but my dad’s previous picks have included A Boy and His Dog, Omega Man, and other 70s gems he saw working at a movie theatre in high school, so I can safely assume that this movie’s awesome.  Yes, I know there was a remake with Michael Caine in Olivier’s role and Jude Law in Caine’s, but I have about as much enthusiasm for that as I did for the Alfie remake.  I want the real thing.

Blue Gender: Disc Two

Gah, seriously?  So they have Blue Gender, but they’re missing the second disc?  I saw this anime series when Adult Swim ran the dubbed version a few years back, which is why I’m so pissed that the second disc is missing.  See, in the series’ first half (discs one to three), this was a show about survival, courage, and tremendous gore that could best be described as a cross between Aliens and 28 Days Later. However, in its second half (discs four to six) Blue Gender devolved into yet another bland Neon Genesis Evangelion clone about giant robots and teenage melodrama.  Netflix is never gonna replace just one disc, so it looks like I’ll have to buy the whole set, terrible discs included.

PRO TIP: If you do a Google Images search for "no escape" you're gonna find a whole lot of bondage pics.

No Escape

This delightful piece of mid-90s sci-fi action schlock used to make the rounds on cable TV but has since fallen into obscurity.  That’s a shame too, since it’s got Ray Liotta, Lance Henriksen, and the bad guy from Blank Check. (If you’re wondering, the plot concerns an island prison colony divided into good and evil camps, kind of like Lord of the Flies with grownups.)  Also, as a friend points out, it’s one of the few non-gay porno movies out there to feature an all-male cast.  I guess I can’t complain too much about Netflix not having a movie that I only plan on enjoying semi-ironically, but I still hope a copy comes their way.

Netflix used to be an adventure.  But, like a pussy whipped boyfriend to his crazy bitch of a girlfriend, the ‘flix now meekly recommends only the safest choices, seemingly terrified that after one bad pick I’d throw our couch out the window, sleep with my jock ex-boyfriend, and (worst of all) cancel my subscription. I don’t like feeling like a crazy bitch, so in an effort to restore some balance to my relationship, I took a gander at the definitely non-recommended New Releases in Netflix’s Horror section.  Here are some of my finds.  If you’ve seen any of these, or you just think it’d be funny to subject me to them, let me know.  Together we can restore my Netflix relationship to its former glory.

They seem to be taking this all quite well.

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

I assume the producers’ business plan revolved entirely around accidental sales to people trying to buy Zombie 3. Or, you know, to people clamoring for more stripper on zombie action in the wake of the runaway success that was Zombie Strippers. At any rate, this movie seems to be your typical forcibly ironic sexy schlock, always a vital resource to snarky bloggers too lazy to write actual jokes.  Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! could totally still be awesome though, because those girls look freakin’ hot.

Gondoliers have nerves of steel.

Sharks In Venice

It’s Jaws meets, uh… Stephen Baldwin!  As an archaeologist!  There’s also something about the mafia and a kidnapping, and I don’t know, maybe some vampires and the Harlem Globetrotters are in there too.  At least this movie looks better than that other Animals In A Place movie.  You know the one, where that Jedi guy was tired of those animals being in that place, and he shouted the f-word to let the audience know he felt as such?   Sharks didn’t have to go through the whole R to PG-13 and back again rigmarole of that previous film, so maybe it turned out awesome.

Hey look! A skull!

Shrooms

Kids on a camping trip take hallucinogenic mushrooms and then get hacked down one by one.  Or do they? While I’m ready to celebrate what is potentially the first stoner slasher film, this movie unfortunately appears to be just another variation on the right wing fantasies that pervade most teenage hack and slash flicks.  Still, I might watch this, provided I can do so while on shrooms.  Then you could read my review (also while on shrooms) and talk about it with your friends (who I assume are all on shrooms).  By the way, is it just me, or are the plots of the movies I’ve picked out entering Premise Beach territory?

I am resisting the urge to make a "bad hair day" joke.

Exte: Hair Extensions

Haunted hair extensions.  Yes, I know.  By this point in the article, you probably think I’m a hollow, bitter shell of a man who can only enjoy things ironically.  However, while this movie certainly looks like another godawful J-horror entry in the evil donated body part subgenre (think The Eye), Netflix says people who liked this movie also liked Sukiyaki Western Django and Cemetery Man, so there’s got to be something to it.  Plus, it stars that killy chick from Kill Bill. I am still hollow and bitter, but I might honestly like this one.