Primetime television sitcoms, on the other hand, are something I have no problem indulging in. Generally, I expect from TV something intelligent, witty, and thoughtful, and I’m seldom let down. Yet, I gotta say, this new offering disappointed me.

The plot was about as slow as the zombies, and the action scenes were — well, about as scarce as the zombies. Where did THE WALKING DEAD go wrong? I mean, the show started out great. I liked when the guy shot that little girl in the beginning. That got me interested enough to sit through the first set of commercials, and then when the show came back with some full-on, guns blazing misogyny, I was pretty hooked.

But then it was all downhill from there.

Dude wakes up in a hospital. Dude wanders around. Meets some people. Has some dinner. I guess this is more fun than watching the cut scenes on the 28 DAYS LATER DVD, right?

The producers didn’t do much to create a sense of tension. The world is supposed to be a dangerous zombie infested war zone, right? Then why are characters sitting around talking out in the open, in broad daylight, without any concern for what might be creeping up behind them. (Hordes of zombies, maybe?) I mean, do the zombies only come out at night? Are they actually vampires? Are they looking for a guy named Neville?

Also, did one scene show people surviving the zombie apocalypse in a tent? I’m sure a good explanation for that will be revealed later, but right now it does seem a bit odd.

If my memory hasn’t failed me, it isn’t until the end of the episode that we see the zombies actually attack anything. And when they do, it’s a horse. So any horses watching the show really had the zombie threat driven home to them and in a way that we human watchers have to wait for.

Of course, we’re told that the zombies attack and eat humans (which of course anyone who’s ever seen a zombie movie already knew, anyway). I wish this information had been shouted as characters were running from zombies though, instead of calmly discussed over tea in a comfortable dining room.

If I seem a bit disappointed, I suppose it’s okay, since judging by their sponsors, I wasn’t really the kind of person they were pitching their sitcom to anyway. I’m not in the market for a new car or a dependable boner pill.

In all fairness, let’s remember that it’s hard to tell how good a series will be from its first episode. It might explode into something awesome. I mean, the special effects were pretty much what they should be, and it was cool seeing on American television the kind of gore that got cut out of the NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD remake back in the nineties. So even if the story sucks at least we’ll have something bloody to look at. I mean, if gore and story are the bread and circuses of the modern horror tale, then we can certainly survive on bread alone.

1. Dracula vs Frankenstein Shoes

Ok, so these are a little cutesy. A lot cutesy. But guys! Dracula! On your shoes! With his pal Frankenstein! Kind of sweet, no? And yet, somehow all I can think of is that bit from Ed Wood, “Karloff…? Sidekick…? FUCK YOU.” Perhaps it’s best that Bela didn’t live to see these shoes.

2. Zombie Rabbits Limited Edition Print

Bunnies + zombies. Everyone wins.

3. First Born Creeps Candlesticks

I love these little guys. Can you imagine a small army of them marching, slithering, or stuttering their way across your Thanksgiving table? Me too.

4. Cthulhu Necklace

Beautiful. There’s nothing that makes it more Cthulhu than octopus, but beautiful nonetheless. (And anyway, we all know that octopi are scarily smart and eerily prescient, right? So, still horror-related?)

5. Ted Box Art Print

I’ve had this artist’s robot box art prints bookmarked in my “wishlist” folder for over a year now. They’re two parts retro-futurism and one part affectionate nostalgia. A perfect mix.

Alright, this is my first post. Let’s get started with the review.

Recently I started and finished playing Resident Evil 4 for the PS2. I picked this game up a few years ago but I hadn’t played it until just recently because I kept getting sidetracked. Then the release of Resident Evil 5 got my ass in gear, cause it wouldn’t be much fun to play RE5 without knowing the story of RE4. The Resident Evil series is one of my favorite groups of games and RE4 did not disappoint, as I will now describe.

So, the game starts out and you are once again playing as Leon S. Kennedy (remember him from RE2). Leon is hired by some government high-ups to rescue the president’s daughter, Ashley, from some wacko cult in Europe. And, of course, just like in RE2, Leon gets more than he bargained for in this mission. He travels to a town where Ashley is suspected to be and discovers that all of the town’s people are crazy zombie-like abominations. (Notice I said the people are zombie-like and not zombies.) That’s right, the town hasn’t been infected by the T-virus or the G-virus but instead it’s been affected by an ancient parasite called “Las Plagas”. It’s a fight for your life as you battle an entire town of monsters!

“Just like old times in Raccoon City”

Now, to get it out of the way, here’s an overview of the whole game in a nutshell (*HUGE SPOILERS AHEAD!*): Leon runs all over the damn place collecting weapons and fighting crazy-ass monsters, finds Ashley and loses her and finds her and loses her and finds her ( I really can’t remember/don’t really care how many times this happens), meets an ally named Luis ( he dies), runs across opposition consisting of Saddler and his cronies, we see some blasts from the past in Jack Krauser and Ada Wong (more RE2 references!) and finally Leon destroys Saddler and saves Ashley. Ada escapes as well and with a sample of the parasite for……*drum roll*……Albert Wesker! Yeah, that’s right, Wesker makes an appearance in RE4. He is pretty much the main villain of the entire series after all. And with that out of the way we can focus on the finer details.

Resident Evil 4 is different in many ways from its predecessors. First off is the view of the game. RE4 takes the camera perspective of an “over the shoulder” view rather than looking down from above the character. This was a little tough to adjust to but you get the hang of it real quick. It has some nice benefits, too. You can see what’s coming ahead of you and you can aim your gun to a specific location on the enemy with the help of a laser sight (which is built in on every gun). I also can’t forget the button prompts; these usually happen in cut scenes and if you don’t press L1+R1 or X+Square fast enough your dead. The second difference is the enemies. As I stated before the enemies aren’t zombies but crazed parasite infected lunatics that speak Spanish (I didn’t mention the Spanish part before, but yeah, they speak Spanish). This might have some hardcore RE fans in a frenzy saying “WHAT!?! They’re not zombies!” but it doesn’t really change the game play too much. Another difference is the concept of collecting money to trade with The Merchant. Throughout the game you pick up money here and there and then when you find The Merchant you can buy guns and other nick-nacks from him. I found the Merchant’s voice hilarious and the fact that he always greats you as “Stranger”. (The name’s Leon motherfucker! LEON!!!). Also, there are no ink ribbons in this game. If you find a typewriter you can just save and that’s that. The ink ribbons can stay gone for all I care; I hated carrying around those annoying pieces of shit anyway.

Annoying pieces of shit

There are things that stayed that same, too. Leon starts the game with the standard knife and handgun. And as the game progresses you can obtain new and more powerful weapons. You can get handguns, shotguns, riffles, machine guns, magnums, rocket launchers, mine throwers, grenades, and even eggs. (Eggs restore your health but you can also chuck them at people, hilarious). And you can upgrade your weapons as well to make them more effective. Also, the healing herbs make an appearance again. There’s the green herb, the red herb and the yellow herb. The yellow herb is new and it increases your max health.

I liked the variety of enemies they had in this game. The infected town’s people, the wolf-dogs, giant insects, etc… (some more durable than others of course). And they weren’t impossible to kill or anything. Although, pretty early on in the game you encounter the chainsaw wielding bag head dude and he can be a pain in the ass. And somehow I feel like I’ve seen an enemy like this before…

There are also some enjoyable sub-boss fights with huge enemies. There are these giant monsters appropriately called “El Gigante” that you fight a few times and you also fight a giant mutated gator/croc while in a boat. And it seems some former enemies have taken a change for the better. The crows that normally peck you to death in other RE games will give you money/bullets if you shoot them down.

I can’t really find anything majorly wrong with this game. The only thing that can get annoying is Ashley. Having to protect her stupid-ass can get frustrating. Also, she’ll occasionally call you a pervert. (Is that anyway to treat your rescuer?). Not to mention her voice when she calls for help. “Leon! HEELLLPPP!”, “Help me Leon”, “HEEELLLPPP!”, “Where are you going?!?” (BITCH, I’M TRYIN’ TO SAVE YOUR ASS! SHUT THE FUCK UP!) But yeah, that’s really the only thing to complain about.

“Go ahead and take her.”

Also, there are some extras on this game. If you beat the game you get another outfit and additional weapons which is common in RE games. And in addition to the regular game you can play Assignment Ada and Separate Ways. I’m not going into them so just play the game and check them out yourself.

Ok, I hope I didn’t make this too long. I really liked Resident Evil 4. It had a decent story, it made some connections to the past Resident Evil games, the challenge wasn’t too hard or too easy, and it wasn’t agonizingly long or disappointingly short. The graphics weren’t too shabby either. I’ve heard the GameCube version looks better, but I thought the PS2 version was perfectly fine. If you’re a fan of Resident Evil games and you haven’t picked this one up yet, I would strongly suggest you get on it and play it. I expect high quality when I play a Resident Evil title and Capcom didn’t let me down. This game ruled.

-Super Joe

Well, I had some really ambitious reviews in the works, but those will have to wait. They’ll have to wait because I’m a lazy mutha fucka. That’s right. I said I’m a lazy mutha fucka.

You know who else is a lazy mutha fucka?

Sam Lee.

Only he’s not a lazy mutha fucka the way I’m a lazy mutha fucka, because on top of once being in a successful Cantonese hip hop band known as LMF, he’s also a terrific actor, who back in 1998 starred in a taut and comedic little Dawn of the Dead rip-off known as Bio-Zombie, which was sent to the states with much love from China’s then only Democratic hold-out, Hong Kong. Hong Kong incidentally is, I imagine, the only place in China where a shopping mall could be considered a realistic setting for a zombie movie. You know, because anywhere else in China, for political/economic reasons, it would be totally un-kosher to let zombies in a shopping mall. GO USA!!!

I love Sam Lee, and not just because his name coincidentally fuses the names of two of my ex girlfriends, making it sorta awkward for me to ever talk about him, but also because he’s smooth as goddamn honey drippin’ down a bee’s behind. And not just any bee. A fucking CRAZY BEE!!!

The first copy of this movie I ever owned was a bootleg of the laserdisc or maybe VCD. Either way, it was two sided and during the bootlegging process of the first side something went wrong, and both the Mandarin and the Cantonese language tracks played simultaneously. You can not possibly know a more excruciating pain than having to hear this. If you are an honest man and need to use that old chestnut of an excuse not to have sex (headache, duh) and don’t want to be fibbin’ ’bout it, yo, watch Bio-Zombie with both the Cantonese and Mandarin language tracks turned on at once. To continue with the metaphor, it’s like being rough-fucked in the ear continuously for forty-five minutes. Rough-fucked in the ear while crazy people scream at you. A confusing jumble of annoyingly shrill Chinese voices, like a chorus of drills in your skull will cause your brains to be so friggin sore by the end of the movie, you’ll have at least a month long excuse for celibacy. Perhaps your sex-life will dry up completely. I mean, when I was in high school and viewed this movie repeatedly I wasn’t getting any at all, and I think I’m totally allowed to blame this awesome movie for that. Right? Thank you, Bio-Zombie. Back then, all I really wanted was to watch this movie with a hot girl on my birthday. Didn’t happen. I was so sad and lonely. But I had fucking awesome hair, even if it kinda looked like a mullet from a certain angle. Then I turned into a zombie and my best friend had to shoot me.

Oh, shit, no. That’s what happens in Bio-Zombie. And I guess I totally ruined the movie for you now. But seriously, it doesn’t matter if you already know the ending. The movie is full of zombies in a mall, and where the fuck else are you gonna find that? And Sushi Boy! You can’t find Sushi Boy anywhere else.

Actually, I guess I did find one at LAX.

Anyway, where was I? After I got fed up with the VHS bootleg and when that newfangled internet thing started giving me the opportunity to steal movies via file-sharing software, I upgraded my copy yet again to an AVI version beautifully ripped from the DVD and compressed in stunning DIVX quality. I did have to do a bit of searching to find the subtitle file so that I could understand the (thank the Lord! single track of) Chinese language audio. I burned the thing to a nice 700mb Memorex CD-R and placed it affectionately in my CD library. Minor problem: The subtitle file was accidentally left out of the burning process, but that was alright. I just kept it on my computer for when I needed it. (The thing was like 65 Kbs). But it was worth that small amount of space to read such verbal gems as “So big the balls!”

Oh, but then my hard drive died and I lost the file.

My next attempt to upgrade my copy was about a year ago. A good friend of mine purchased the DVD. Score! I’m gonna copy that shit right onto a shiny new Memorex DVR! So I grab the box out of his bookshelf, bring it on home, pop that sucker open, and . . . Oh, shit the disc isn’t there. I call my friend up, and he’s at a loss. No pun intended.

Fast forward to today. I wanna write a review of this, the only movie that fills all three categories of being my favorite Hong Kong movie, my favorite Sam Lee movie, and my favorite movie featuring Sushi Boy. I still got that CD-R of the DIVX version. Problem is my computer is some kinda stupid piece of shit, and Windows won’t let me view thumbnails of, click on, or attempt to open any AVI files whatsoever. (If anybody has a fix for this, let me know.) So, as I write, I’m converting back to DVD the DIVX that was ripped from the original DVD. When it’s done, I can watch it, re-rip it, and then convert stills from the MPEG2 file to JPG files to pretty up this here little review.

Anyway, here is said review:

Some Chinese Mafioso type dudes are testing out some bio-chem war shit that turns people into zombies. They store it in a soft drink bottle. Which is totally an awesome idea, dude. Then shit happens, everybody dies, and some fucker runs away with the bottle. Two ne’er-do-well punks named Crazy Bee and Woody Invincible accidentally run the fucker down with their car and when he mumbles “soft drink” with his last ounce of strength, they think he wants to drink the shit and not warn them that it’s toxic zombie juice that will turn the entire world into a hell of the living dead Dawn of the Dead rip-off come to life. So they pour the swill down his gullet, he gurgles, dies, and then Woody and Bee do the logical thing: They lock him up in their trunk and head to work at their VCD store in the local shopping mall.

More shit happens, then zombies happen, then finally awesomeness happens. Really, this movie is fucking great. And you probably hear me say that about a lot of movies. And maybe most of them you don’t think are fucking great. But I swear you should believe me when it comes to this one. It’s the best, and I mean best, Hong Kong zombie movie you’ll ever see. The jokes are, well, at least as good as the ones I’ve been making in the course of this review, and what they lack in quality they make up for in quantity. Like a good piece of blogging douche-bloggery, the script of Bio-Zombie tries to force something stupid and interesting into every second in order to keep you paying attention to the movie and not reaching for that porn VCD. Cause even a bad this joke is better than no joke if it keeps you from whackin’ the monkey.

So anyway, I could write more about this movie. I really could. There’s a lot of memorable scenes, lines, and gags. But writing about all that would take a lot of work, and when you get right down to it, it’s like I said: I’m just an LMF, man. Lazy Mutha Fucka.

And so you’re totally SOL.

TTYL
– Jason Deadcat

Sam Lee image stolen from this place: http://mehitobel.com/licansen/
Other images stolen from I forget where.