Netflix Finds
Netflix used to be an adventure. But, like a pussy whipped boyfriend to his crazy bitch of a girlfriend, the ‘flix now meekly recommends only the safest choices, seemingly terrified that after one bad pick I’d throw our couch out the window, sleep with my jock ex-boyfriend, and (worst of all) cancel my subscription. I don’t like feeling like a crazy bitch, so in an effort to restore some balance to my relationship, I took a gander at the definitely non-recommended New Releases in Netflix’s Horror section. Here are some of my finds. If you’ve seen any of these, or you just think it’d be funny to subject me to them, let me know. Together we can restore my Netflix relationship to its former glory.
They seem to be taking this all quite well.
I assume the producers’ business plan revolved entirely around accidental sales to people trying to buy Zombie 3. Or, you know, to people clamoring for more stripper on zombie action in the wake of the runaway success that was Zombie Strippers. At any rate, this movie seems to be your typical forcibly ironic sexy schlock, always a vital resource to snarky bloggers too lazy to write actual jokes. Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! could totally still be awesome though, because those girls look freakin’ hot.
Gondoliers have nerves of steel.
It’s Jaws meets, uh… Stephen Baldwin! As an archaeologist! There’s also something about the mafia and a kidnapping, and I don’t know, maybe some vampires and the Harlem Globetrotters are in there too. At least this movie looks better than that other Animals In A Place movie. You know the one, where that Jedi guy was tired of those animals being in that place, and he shouted the f-word to let the audience know he felt as such? Sharks didn’t have to go through the whole R to PG-13 and back again rigmarole of that previous film, so maybe it turned out awesome.
Hey look! A skull!
Kids on a camping trip take hallucinogenic mushrooms and then get hacked down one by one. Or do they? While I’m ready to celebrate what is potentially the first stoner slasher film, this movie unfortunately appears to be just another variation on the right wing fantasies that pervade most teenage hack and slash flicks. Still, I might watch this, provided I can do so while on shrooms. Then you could read my review (also while on shrooms) and talk about it with your friends (who I assume are all on shrooms). By the way, is it just me, or are the plots of the movies I’ve picked out entering Premise Beach territory?
I am resisting the urge to make a "bad hair day" joke.
Haunted hair extensions. Yes, I know. By this point in the article, you probably think I’m a hollow, bitter shell of a man who can only enjoy things ironically. However, while this movie certainly looks like another godawful J-horror entry in the evil donated body part subgenre (think The Eye), Netflix says people who liked this movie also liked Sukiyaki Western Django and Cemetery Man, so there’s got to be something to it. Plus, it stars that killy chick from Kill Bill. I am still hollow and bitter, but I might honestly like this one.
Tags: netflix, new releases
March 19th, 2009 at 9:47 am
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
April 19th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
[...] is great, but it does have its problems. There’s the sometimes sheepish recommendations and the murky process known as throttling. The worst, however, is searching for a [...]