Video Ferox

One’s a Cronenberg sci-fi body horror flick.  One’s a penis pill.  Which one’s better?

Logic would suggest an easy win for eXistenZ.  It’s by David Cronenberg.   He made A History of Violence.  A History of Violence was awesome.  Penis pills, on the other hand, are literally full of shit.  What could go wrong?

Plenty.  See, for every awesome head exploding movie (Scanners, for instance), Cronenberg makes an equally un-awesome movie about sex with televisions and vagina dentata (like, say… Videodrome).  eXistenZ is definitely on the vagina side of things.  Sure, the concept that the human body is the ultimate source of terror works pretty well in The Fly, but seeing Jude Law spit out his teeth for bone-gun ammo just doesn’t cut it.

In Cronenberg’s defense, some of the film’s problems can’t be blamed on the cast and crew.  Take the title. eXistenZ.  Look at it.  Doesn’t it make you want to punch Cronenberg in the face?  See, at the time, the idea that corporatization would one day focus-group our existence down to a mere trademark was captivating, but the world has changed since 1999.  In 2009, cute capitalizations and shortened spellings are more reminiscent of leetspeak and text messaging than social commentary.  Now it just looks like the movie was named by a twelve-year-old girl.

The other beef with eXistenZ is that its premise is so similar to The Matrix that viewers invariably wish they were watching that instead.  Maybe if the studio heads waited more than three weeks after The Matrix opened to release eXistenZ, the cries of “Matrix rip-off” would have been softer.   Or maybe the market could only ever accept one computer-simulation-replaces-reality movie.  But it’s probably that The Matrix’s evil-machines-enslave-humanity computer simulation was just plain cooler than eXistenZ’s LARPing-is-kind-of-lame one.

What are the pros for this movie?  It’s certainly imaginative (if not original), and the art direction is pretty good.  That, combined with the unintentionally laughable acting and writing make it passable.  Just pretend it’s a live action bonus chapter on your Animatrix DVD and things will be fine.

So what about ExtenZe?  I’ll let the product’s infomercial speak for itself.  As you can see, this product will turn you into a stammering foreigner.  Side effects include having a busted girlfriend and loss of ability to say “penis”.   Now, I love being able to say “penis”.  Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis.  I can’t even imagine living in a world where I can’t say it, so ExtenZe the product loses to eXistenZ.  But what about ExtenZe the infomercial?  Is that better than eXistenZ?

I’ll say yes.  Watching reject porno actors stumble through half-improvised innuendo is far more charming than hearing Jude Law listlessly intone “Death to the demonness Allegra Geller!”  And at least ExtenZe actually comes out and says what it’s about (insofar as you can say “this will make your dick bigger” without actually saying “this will make your dick bigger”).   Heck, I’d like eXistenZ way better if Jennifer Jason Leigh awkwardly darted her eyes back and forth from the camera while she explained why you should keep watching the movie.

Advantage: ExtenZe.

UPDATE #1: Much has changed in the worlds of body horror gurus and poop-covered penis pills since this article first ran over the summer.

ExtenZe has a new commercial featuring a good-naturedly smirking gentleman who explains that he’s not interested in making his member larger (though it “could be fun”); he’s taking the pill to improve his performance so he can better please his loving, loving wife.  This turn is miles away from where the commercials started, with a pitch by Super Hornio Bros. star Ron Jeremy and a warning from the sluts on the couch that your girlfriend will dump you if your dick isn’t big enough.

There also seems to be a new focus on increasing size “regardless of age”.  Is there a competing male enhancement product for children?   (ExtenZe Jr.? Pfizer’s Children’s Chewable Dick Pills?)  If so, I suggest it uses the following slogan: “It’ll make you spring chickens sprung for chicks, hon’!” (It’s a work in progress.)  At any rate, kudos to ExtenZe for trying to move into the mainstream supplement market.  I look forward to seeing their product at my local Co-op, next to the colloidal silver and slippery elm bark.

Meanwhile, David Cronenberg, fresh off the non-success that was his The Fly opera (yeah, the arm wrestling scene’s still in there), has begun writing a novel.  Now David, Viggo Mortensen is bored.  He needs you to get back to making movies so he can occupy his time with naked shower knife fights and stairwell hate-fucking sessions.  Right now he’s just sitting at home on his couch, watching ExtenZe commercials.

Oh, and eXistenZ still sucks.

UPDATE #2: It seems I spoke too soon.  David Cronenberg’s back to making movies.  In an interview with MTV News, Cronenberg revealed that he’s currently developing a sequel to Eastern Promises that will have star Viggo Mortensen reprise his role as Russian gangster Nikolai.  Cronenberg, still kicking himself from passing on Scanners II, says he’s “excited” to make this sequel, but I’m still not sure this isn’t an April Fool’s joke.

Tags: cronenberg, penis pills

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 26th, 2009 at 10:46 am and is filed under Sci-Fi. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.